Once Upon A Time
by Saki-Rose Chan
Summary: Apparently, C.C. is a witch with pizza problems, Kallen broke her glass slipper, Euphemia accidentally poisoned the seven dwarves, Nunnally is friends with the Red Queen and King, Suzaku is a cursed prince, and Lelouch... Is stuck in a tower? (PURE HUMOR)
1. Chapter 1

**AND this my fellows, is just pure crack. I mean, it makes sense, but I doubt we get any pairings- Okay, maybe, but this is all in pure humor so someone might have their moments with that person and another one might have a moment with someone else. Get the picture?**

**Well, enjoy! :)**

Once upon a time, in a land far away- Well, not really. Everyone lived on this huge island and this where our story begins.

...

In a deep forest lived a witch. A green haired witch with golden eyes. A green haired witch with golden eyes who was also pizza obsessed. A beautiful green haired witch with golden eyes who was also pizza obsessed. Yes, beautiful. Not an ugly green skinned witch with black eyes, who also enjoyed eating innocent children and trying to ruin a girl's chance with any good looking guy.

This witch was neither good or evil. She just played her role when needed, as she was just too lazy to give herself a title of any kind also.

Munching on her eight slice of pizza, the witch looked through her spell book and wondered if she would have job today. It's not like she wanted to go out on a job today because trying to make better or ruin a princess's life is far too much work for her.

She reached for her ninth slice of pizza... Well, that is, until her assistant came crashing through her double windows.

Great... That was her thirteenth window this week.

Her blonde haired assistant jumped up, dusting off his blue clothes. He frowned." I really do have to work on my landing."

"Yes, you fool," C.C. said, putting out her hand and waiting for the blonde to give her the scroll in his hand." Now let me see what's in that scroll."

Gino grinned." This is today's job, Miss C.C." he handed C.C. the scroll, who sent him a small glare.

"Thank you for stating the obvious, Gino," she muttered as she opened the scroll and skimmed through it. C.C. tossed it back to Gino who clumsily caught it." Looks like it's poisoning someone today."

"Who?" Gino asked while grinning in excitement.

"Euphemia Li," she told him in boredom." Run away princess living with seven little men, her stepmother just found out she's alive, _and_ she wants her dead."

"Oooh, I wish I could go with you," Gino sighed sadly.

"What do you mean 'wish'? You are my assistant, boy. You-"

"Well, there's a ball tonight and I need to attend it. My father is trying to find a bride for me, but I'm pretty sure I'll be bored all night," Gino cut in.

"Boy, _why_ do you insist on being a witch's assistant, yet you are a prince?" she rolled her eyes, taking out a black cauldron and random ingredients

The prince shrugged." I needed a hobby."

...

Little Red Kaguya walked through the forest, a basket of food in her hand and a look of boredom planted across her face." Of all days, Grandpa Todoh wants to eat," she mumbles.

The girl continued to walk through the forest of trees until she ran into a tall tower. She shrugged. She was lost anyways. Some help would do her good.

"Hey, is anyone up there?" Kaguya called, throwing a rock at the open balcony.

No one answered.

She threw another rock." Anyone up there? If not, at least tell me, though, if you weren't, you really couldn't tell me you aren't there-"

"Oh, will you shut up, woman?" an annoyed voice yelled." Give me some time to answer! Geesh, what is wrong with teenage girls nowadays!"

_A man, _Kaguya thought, _He's probably an old grumpy person, anyway._

The man came to the balcony, making Kaguya regret what she just thought. Instead of an old man, it was a _handsome_ young man with raven hair and amethyst eyes.

Maybe this trip won't be so bad for her. After all, if it included a _handsome young man_, she would willingly bring her grandfather food everyday.

Kaguya gave him a friendly grin, making the man raise a suspicious eyebrow." Can you help me? I'm lost."

"And you expect me to know where you need to get to?" the raven haired man asked.

"Welll, yeah." Kaguya crossed her arms across her chest." You live in that tower."

The raven haired man smirked slightly." Listen, princess, I've been stuck in this tower the last twenty years of my life. I have no idea _where_ you need to go or _how _you get there."

The red cloak wearing teen huffed." You don't have to be so rude. And what do you mean you've been stuck here for twenty years?"

He sighed, leaning against the balcony rails." I'm just going to tell you I'm here because of lack of protection, princess."

"Stop calling me princess! My name is Kaguya!" the teen pouted.

"And my name is Zero, princess," he muttered.

"Zero? Wait, are you using sarcasm?" Kaguya asked in confusion, not knowing whether this man was serious or not.

"Figure it out." With that, Zero walked back inside the tower.

Kaguya blinked, wondering if this man was playing mind tricks on her." The people in this land are crazy," she decided before continuing on to who knows where.

~End Chapter 1~

**Did you guys like it? Hate it? I hope you enjoyed it, though.**

**Read and Review! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm back with chapter two of OUAT! Thank you for all the reviews/favorites/follows! As I said, this is supposed to be humorous, so please laugh at your own risk.**

**So, enjoy!**

"Zero, Zero, let down you hair!" a female voice yelled.

"For the 91st time, Cornelia, that's wrong!" Zero groaned, rubbing his temples.

"Oh," Cornelia mumbled." Let down your chair?" she tried to guess.

"Do you want me to get the ladder?"

"No, no! I have this! Let down your square!"

"What the hell?"

"Let down your vine!"

"I'm getting the ladder..."

"What? No I-" the dark pink haired woman was cut off by a ladder hitting her in the face.

She glared at the smirking raven haired man, who shrugged in response." I shouldn't give you any dinner tonight," Cornelia grumbled, starting to make her way up the ladder.

"I'm the one who cooks, so that is impossible," Zero sighed." And your food is burnt."

"Shut up, you smart-alack."

...

"Oh, for goodness sake... The flowers are supposed to Black! Not red! Black!" Queen Marianne was sure the painters were tired of changing the colors of the flowers, but it had to be done.

"But Queen Marianne... You said red this morning..." the painter whined.

Marianne groaned, casting a glance at the king who was standing afar and watching all the other painters." I know what I said, sweetheart, but Mr. I-Am-A-Douchebag-King won't stop being indecisive."

The raven haired queen turned around to her husband, casting a glare at him as she walked towards the gray haired man." Charles, that was your last time changing the flower color. If you do it again, there will be no flowers to paint!"

"But the Kingdoms main colors are red and black. I have to decide what color the roses are going to be. Black sounds so much more appealing then red, but red can sound more appealing at times," King Charles explained to his wife.

Queen Marianne was starting to become quite aggravated with her husband and his decisions. Not only was he a bad ruler at times (that's why she was there to make sure he didn't screw anything up and make sure the people in there kingdom were in a good condition), but he had a habit of wanting to execute people for small mistakes.

Every morning and night, it was always "Off with his head!". Most of the time, it was someone from the Royal Court and that because they didn't know how to keep their mouth shut at times. Well, he didn't have to know she would just take their job away and go make them live a normal life.

Hmm, only two executions so far into the year. New record.

"You know, why not both, dear? That way you're garden will look appealing and you don't have to decide between black or red," she suggested.

King Charles contemplated this for a while before shaking his head in agreement." You are right, Marianne. I never thought of that... Hmm, I want the flowers red and black!"

The painters groaned in union. One even through his paint brush down in anger and ripped off a flower to chew on it.

"You!" King Charles bellowed." The one chewing my flowers! Off with h-"

"No, Charles, dear," Queen Marianne cut him off.

"But he-" Charles pointed to the painter who had his arms crossed with a smug look on his face.

"Remember what we talked about? No more executing people unless they do something really, really bad. And I mean _really _bad, Charles. Not something like lying to you. Something like committing a crime."

"My flowers, though..."

"Charles, if you weren't being so indecisive about the color of the flowers, he wouldn't have done that."

"Can I-"

"_NO_ type of punishment is allowed."

"Fine..." Charles groaned, crossing his arms.

"Ah, dear, stop being a baby," Marriane rolled her eyes before turning to her visitor who decided to help the painters with the flowers." Nunnally, would you like to come in for tea and cakes?"

The girl with the yellow bow in her ginger hair turned to the queen with a sweet smile." I would love, too, your majesty," she answered.

"Oh, Nunnally, you're so sweet. Hurry now and clean up, so we can start our tea party."

Marianne watched Nunnally walk until she went through the doors of the palace. She then glared at her husband." She's fifteen, dear, and acts more mature than you."

"I don't see her ruling a whole kingdom, do I?"

"I do two-thirds of the work because you like to kill everyone off," Marianne mumbled under breath.

...

Kallen was beginning to lose her patience with these so-called people she had to call her family. Maybe she should blame her father for his death.

She means, who the hell makes someone shine a marble floor three times over? You had to be blind to not realize that there was nothing on the floor! Then, having to serve her ungrateful step-sisters tea in the morning, afternoon, and right before they went to bed at night. And in between that was making beds, sweeping, making breakfast, sweeping again, washing dishes, more sweeping, cleaning all the rooms if the were in use, even more sweeping, shining the marble if needed, even more sweeping, washing clothes and folding them, even more sweeping, making dinner, sweeping, cleaning the kitchen, sweeping, and serving tea. She wonders why she gets to sleep until seven o'clock am if she does that all day.

Using a knife would be appealing to use on them. It wasn't like she didn't know how to use one. For others reasons than cutting up vegetables, that is.

"Kallen! Where are you with your sisters' tea! You know they get impatient!"

"I'm coming, I'm coming!"

When she was younger her mother always told her_," Have courage and kindness."_

But boy was that hard to do with her step family.

"Stupid, blonde step-mother," she muttered, making her way upstairs and entering the room her sisters were in.

"Ugh, Kallen, what took you so long?!" Carrine yelled at the red head.

"Well, if you didn't know, tea takes time to make," she smiles tightly.

Her oldest step-sister, Guinevere, scoffed." I'm sure she was taking her nice time to walk upstairs. After all, no matter what she does, she'll never be free of us."

Walking up to the sisters, Kallen set the tray of tea down, grabbed the two cups and poured them over her sisters' heads. which resulted in very loud screeching.

"MOTHER!"

"Oh, shut the hell up, you lazy asses," Kallen growled before making her way back downstairs.

Fuck this family of hers.

**And that's it! Was it good? I hope you liked it! Next chapter, I think we'll be seeing more of C.C. next chapter and then we'll meet Euphemia.**

**So, read and review!**


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